I’ve been busy since getting the news that my contract would not be renewed next year.

Obviously the left photo is before, even though I had long since retired wearing my hair down in favor of my classic, time-for-a-haircut, Det. Odafin Tutuola braid. I decided to chop my hair off, and it is shorter than it’s been in almost 20 years.

Last year after Hannah was born I went to a local salon for a basic haircut to get me through new motherhood. I didn’t even take a single picture of it, because I’m not sure it ever had a chance to breathe before going up into an endless stream of ponytails. So my last real cut with real photos was two years ago (yes, I am still sadly on a one-haircut-per-year rotation…childhood anxieties die hard!). And I thought this was pretty short and bold for me:

But I don’t know…there was something about the experience of being non-tenured and losing my job, combined with the continuing angst of finishing out the school year knowing I won’t be back, that was weirdly liberating. I worked hard and loved my job, loved the students, had great ideas and plans for the future of my library. I’m a damn good librarian, and I was happy building my community there. And in the end that didn’t matter so much.

And I had this epiphany that I’ve always felt like a bit of a square peg at work. In most jobs I’ve had, really. Like I was holding back pieces of myself to try and fit the persona of the place. I was quieter than I am in “real life”, I held back the things I really wanted to share or say or do. I was always bursting at the edges to get free from that (because man, is that stifling). I always wore bright clothes and said nerdy things and advertised my geeky tendencies. But it was…edited. Which everyone does at work, right? Especially (let’s be honest here) women.

The first teacher I met at my current school walked into the library over the summer while I was getting acclimated and playing the score from The Phantom Menace at full volume. You know, the music from the duel between Darth Maul, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon? It took him a minute, but he placed it. And was impressed. But you know I was only playing that music at full volume pretending to be a library Jedi because I thought no one would come in and see me. Why did I care? Because I was at work, and I’m a grownup. That’s why.

I sort of drew these connections between that feeling of “fitting in” as a grownup and my hair. My hair is so very curly. So very much a piece of my heritage and ethnicity and personality and entire identity. If I had a dime for everyone who has asked me if I’ve ever considered changing it in some way, I’d be set for life. After years of that you internalize the message there, that your hair needs to be changed. So when I left college behind, and the days of being known around the art building for the hair (and, yes, a Green Hornet lunch box that I carried with me everywhere), I sort of felt like I needed to tame that side of myself. Like my hair in its wild state could not be part of my adulthood.

It happened gradually, as I took on jobs with more responsibility and went to graduate school. More ponytails and braids. The haircuts got more expensive, but the requirement that “I need to be able to pull it back” stayed. And somehow felt more urgent. I became terrified by the idea of not being able to pull my hair back. After a childhood spent fighting and destroying it, and my college years spent embracing it, somewhere in my mid-20s it became something I tolerated publicly but adored in secret. Something I allowed to show through a little, but not all the way…that wouldn’t be fitting of a grownup with a real job. Except maybe on the weekends.

So when I was told in mid-March that my contract would not be renewed next year, despite all my observations and performance reviews and supervisors that told me I was really good at my job, I kind of called bullshit on the whole situation. The holding back to seem like a professional and an adult. The not being my entire, complete self, even down to the way I wear the hair that grows out of my head as nature intended it. And I think I just decided to use my remaining time at this job as a kind of experiment. What would it be like if I was just me? If I couldn’t even pull my hair back? Would the sky fall?

Turns out, no. (And the hair really works with the new glasses..in the end I went with pairs #2 and #5). The teachers seem to think the haircut has made me sassier (in truth, I was holding back the sassy…at least until I got tenure). I got some uncomfortable looks from administrators, who didn’t know what to make of the sudden and sharp change (childishly satisfying). And I felt lighter and more comfortable in my skin at work than I had since getting the news about my contract…and maybe even since long before that.

Maybe sometimes you just have to chop something down and start again.

I’m trying out glasses.com for my new frames, so I picked 5 frames to try on at home. I have to send them back ASAP and make my choices, and I’m stuck. I’m definitely getting pair #2, but I can’t decide on the second pair. I was leaning towards #3 (bottom left), but seeing them in photos I’m not sure. I was going for kind of a dorky chic thing, but they may be neither. Adam says #1 makes me look like Will.I.Am, and they are BabyPhat frames so I see where he’s going with that. I have no idea, any thoughts?

So far it’s seen a vicious stomach bug make its rounds through the Reeve house, hitting me, the baby, my mom (who came over to watch the baby), and Adam. Hannah also has a second tooth! Which came in without fanfare but now seems to be making her fussy. And awake at 5am. A visit to Santa has been reshuffled, rescheduled, and will (hopefully) happen this weekend. I just mailed Christmas cards yesterday. I don’t even think I’m halfway through my gift list. Work has been exhausting. Our holiday party is this Sunday, so I’m currently in that haze of “Oh, God, where do I start?!” In-laws arrive in 6 days.

It’s just neverending.

The good news is, I’ve made a ton of progress on Ryann’s quilt, but I don’t want to post more photos until it’s finished and delivered. She should see it first. I’ve also got our new stockings all cut out, and I think they’re going to be great. And, I made $45 from my first craft fair! I sold 3 sets of coasters, and only 1 of those was purchased by relatives.

So it’s not all bad.

I kind of scheduled a bunch of food posts to publish before Hurricane Sandy hit the New Jersey coastline. I figured by Halloween we’d all be back up and running, and I just thought I’d get a bit of a head start on a Sunday recipe post.

Then the storm hit. This was really early on in the day, after our neighbor’s basketball hoop broke off.

We were extremely fortunate, I can’t possibly overstate that. Our power went out sometime around 9pm on Monday the 29th, and it came back on around 4pm on Friday the 2nd. We were cold, but we had a kerosene heater thanks to Adam’s quick thinking in the face of a major generator shortage. We lost all the food in the fridge. We watched the gas in our cars as a shortage and then rationing set in during the week and into the weekend. The grill ended up in pieces around the neighborhood. But we’re all healthy and safe, with no real damage. We have a lot of friends who can’t say the same.

We stayed in, and tried to stay warm. Adam got the fireplace going.

Hannah learned a new favorite game in her bassinet, Baby in a Hole. It’s a lot like Whack-A-Mole without the whacking.

We tried to venture out to Target on Tuesday for supplies. They were only running on generators, the rest of the town was still dark.

We bought Sugarush cupcakes for the JCP&L, police, and fire guys working like crazy at the substation nearby. Hannah and I spent the day Friday at the wonderful Danish Cafe, who had opened with free Wifi and endless outlets to charge all of our gizmos. We were planning to leave for a warm, power-filled hotel weekend in Philly on Friday when the power finally came back. So we were extremely lucky, we still have friends with no power.

Then the weekend came and we tried to get back to normal. Getting groceries for the fridge was challenging.

Once we were connected back into the outside world, I finally started reading the horrible storm stories. Like this. And this. And all of these. I couldn’t stop thinking about how lucky we were. To live far from the water, to have gotten power back so quickly, to not have been walking along when a tree fell on us. So then I wanted to know what we could do to help our community. I spent Sunday afternoon and Monday morning making 6 baby quilts, which I delivered to the donation center the county set up along with baby food and diapers, bottled water, etc.

I finally got gas yesterday, just before I went to vote (yay for re-election! I’m thrilled, relieved, full of hope). School reopened today. It was great to go back, give hugs to my friends who’ve been through a lot, and try to get back to normal. But it was very un-normal, and kind of surreal to be there.

And then it started snowing at dismissal. Heavily. And it’s still snowing, right now….

So it’s now officially the last night of my maternity leave. The baby’s been put to bed (although at the moment she isn’t sleeping, just rolling around in her crib), I’ve done all the cuddling and smooching I can do now. It feels a little like skydiving or cliff jumping or something, this whole back to work thing. You know it’s probably not going to be the end of you (but hey, it might be), and you’ll feel really good and strong for having done it, but it doesn’t make taking that first step any easier. It doesn’t make it easier to see an “after,” all you see is the first step. So the best thing to do is not think about it, just dive in. I’ve been trying to get my desk organized, my back to school existence in working order, things are arranged, outfits are coordinated. But I still have a knot in my stomach.

Adam’s taking the day off to hang out with Hannah tomorrow, which I think is awesome. They’ve never had a whole daddy/daughter day together before, and it means I just have to get myself out the door the first morning. No diaper bags and car seats to juggle, I can just go. And come home. It’s just the teachers back tomorrow, so I can just focus on the finishing touches for the library and getting organized. I can do this.

I’d go pick her up for one last hug, but now she’s fast asleep.